Is my Harry Potter Wand a Weapon?
Can I bring my sick magic on this airplane or not?!
Your Appendix
Your appendix is inside your body right now just working up the courage to murder you.
The Math of Dating
Welcome to dating. Sorry.
Eat a Taco
Stop being an idiot and eat a taco.
She gave everyone COVID
I heard you tried to kill your whole family
When your Greatest Accomplishment is a made-up Hoax
When they asked “who said ‘Houston, we have a problem’?” everyone said Tom Hanks. That’s how I know the moon landing was fake.
There’s No Space Like Home
People once trusted the U.S. government so much that we let them strap people to intercontinental ballistic missiles and blast them into space. Now no one believes in masks. Pretty amazing what we’ve managed to accomplish in just a few short decades.
What Florida Feels Like
That awkward moment when you make a new friend and then they ruin the relationship by saying “Let’s Go Brandon.” That’s what the entire state of Florida feels like. Looks nicer from space.
This is why I can’t send Christmas cards
Merry Christmas to everyone who gets my sense of humor!
She’s a Witch!
The CDC says that fully vaccinated people can now be feared by the townspeople and disappear into the woods never to be seen again. Just do not insult the bats.