settle the fuck down!

So every once in a while me and my friend like to ditch our kids and go out whoring and flipping gang signs around Las Vegas because we’re bad asses. Plus, you know, we hate kids.

So we went to Caesars Palace last night to catch Dane Cook because we are so dangerous that we like to put on high heels so we can pack into the tiny colosseum chairs and listen to drunk chicks in front of us talk through the whole show while getting leg cramps. Plus I totally tripped someone with my head because I had an isle seat. BONUS!

But seriously. Don’t go to that place. It’s for tiny people who are classy and drunk Mormon girls and just people who have patience for metal detectors and care about their safety or whatever.

It took 2 hours to get down there and around the Flamingo corner and into the parking garage and the show was like an hour so, you know, WORTH IT! But while we were in nose to nose traffic some crack head got out of his car and wanted to fight me for cutting him off. Probably because my friend is an angry backseat driver who nullifies my “sorry waves” with one finger salutes and gang signs and tons of righteous indignation and stuff. My door was locked and I didn’t have an awesome hood ornament for him to steal, so he just looked at me and said “You’re a NIGGER!”

Um. Methinks all that white people Obama anger has the crack heads TOTALLY riled up right now. Oh yeah, cuz he was a white crackhead.

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As an adult college student. I find it necessary to amuse myself. Perhaps it is the Robitussin. But I think this is fucking hilarious. “You probably noticed that your COM 101 class didn’t rock as much as it usually does today. That is because I wasn’t in it. I know. I’m sorry. You see I […]

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the empire will fall

I am the fucking golden girl of the evil coffee empire. At least, I am in the Las Vegas empire because apparently I am a fast learner. I have a secret for being a fast learner too and here I shall diverge it on my semi-private blog of doom: I call it “fuck the recipe, […]

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6 espressos per day

Here I took heroic measures in order to NOT get a job and some retard goes and hires me as if I am not a lazy goon warped by pessimism and ill will towards man or something. I know, I am totally fucking insulted. I was NOT in fact hired by the department of homeland […]

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need to know basis

In order to appease the masses I have decided to bring you the unfortunate news about what has become of me. I died a horrible terrible devastating internet death. I’m pretty much buried in the desert right now with the other cool Las Vegans. Just kidding my mom came to visit which is pretty much […]

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bow to your queen

Tax returns are the stuff dreams are made of like instead of going to the dentist I could run away to Mexico! I fucking love Mexico its the best place on Earth as if that entire country exists only worship me. I am a fucking rockstar there when I am all like I will give […]

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welcome my bitches

Hi. I’m Hilary and this is my website that I hardly ever update. This is probably because I am lazy. But that is neither here nor there. I have nothing to write about right now. thanks.

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fortune and a pony

There is a girl who never works but her husband does and she lives in a mansion in Las Vegas and pretty much files her nails and takes trips to the mall in her Lexus for a living and while she is at the mall she buys whatever she wants because she has a lot […]

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learn chess

I worship at the altar that is my porch. Worship. The porch rocks my face off. Getting drunk on my porch is pretty much the best thing to do ever. Also I get drunk on my porch and make phone calls so I guess you could say its like my office. I believe its possible […]

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media fiasco!

Oh is this blog still here my bad I forgot about it since I am pretty much slipping into the oblivion of alcoholism. Also I quit smoking but it was accidental because when you don’t hang out in bars all the time smoking loses appeal. I just admitted that I no longer do something that […]

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