“your future starts here”

So first everyone in your family is all OH NO LAZY since you don’t have a job we think you should clean stuff and cook for us and whatnot. Also everyone thinks they need to give you job search advice like how staying home and refusing to wash your hair probably isn’t the best job […]

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I should be looking for a job

If ever you come to my house for dinner a good time will be had by all because I will make you a fabulous hamburger helper casserole. from scratch. Thats just the kind of domestic bitch I am. You will dine on fine appetizers such as cheezeits and warm vodka in a plastic cup and […]

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how to get a job at the pure

The toilets in the bathrooms at the Caesars Palace are so clean you could actually sit on them and probably you wouldn’t contract herpes or the sars or anything else really gross in fact you would probably contract something fabulous and excellent like rapping skills or astounding good looks. Also in the Caesars is the […]

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death by doritos

Actually I’m fluent in many exotic languages including crackhead and gangstA but the particular dialect of psychosis or whatever spoken by my boss is pretty much unlearnable unless you are developmentally disabled or snort vicodin too much or something. Thats why I’m still not sure why he fired me although I was able to appreciate […]

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all fiction all the time

Okay everyone congratulate me now because I won an award for Best Fictional Blog by a Hollywood Writer. I was completely unaware that my life is fictional so I guess that makes me completely insane. AWESOME. If this is my imagined life then holy shit DO NOT wake me up because in reality I probably […]

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Who killed Blog?

They think myspace did it. Any blogger who doesn’t totally suck at blogging could tell you what killed blogging and its called FUCKING SHITTY BLOGGERS. Attention please people who have given birth that means you. Reading about your kids makes me want to stab my brain out with a stapler. Are you even real people […]

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Cadillac Margarita

So we got this new waitress and she probably weighs like 13 pounds or something except for her voice box which I’m pretty sure belongs to some Orca whale or something else intolerably loud because all she does is yell at people and act all demanding and shitty and try to take over everything but […]

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parliaments with recessed filters

Do you know what is cool? Fucking smoking. Smoking rocks my world because I am pretty much a borderline anorexic with an oral fixation. Also I am an extremist and probably a revolutionary. I am fucking dangerous. Caffeine nicotine ephedra adrenaline espresso alcohol entertainment. I fucking OWN the freeway. Fuck you Californians driving the SPEED […]

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I’m not a waitress

I was walking away and he said HEY WHITE GIRL so I stopped walking away and came back because obviously I was the only white chick in the whole entire room and also probably the only girl there not wearing lingerie and pretending its clothing but its cool that they don’t respect ME. So I […]

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obviously we are SUPER busy!

I know I can’t dance so shut up right now because I AM WHITE OK. Just moments after this youtube confessional GEM OF VIDEO GENIUS was shot we had a heart to heart and proceeded to do a group drunk dial. Except we are losers with no lives and actually have no interest in relationships […]

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