Rules for Being Inside Me

How the fuck does sex work when you’re 30? Like does everyone have to try and bang me on the first date? I get it that we are adults and sex comes sooner, that’s fair… but how about some REALLY BASIC ground rules?

Rules for Being Inside Me

1. Know my last name. Also, do I know your last name? If we haven’t even made it to the “what is your last name” talk then how the fuck are you going to look me up to let me know that you might have given me HIV? This is a valid concern. If you gave me HIV you have to call and let me know so I can murder the shit out of you.

Wait, do I even know your middle name? Do I know anything about you at all? Quick! Give me your banking pin number so I can learn about who you are as a person before we fuck. Oh, bank information is too personal? But not your dick though, right? Just checking.

2. Let me borrow your car. If you won’t let me take your car then you’re not going to be in my vagina. I’m not even saying my vagina is fancy or anything, but neither is your Chevy you fucking tool. And if you don’t even have a car then get the fuck out of here. Seriously.

3. Friend me on Facebook. Look, if you can’t even go online and upvote my vagina after we fuck then just forget about it. Likes or it didn’t happen? No. Likes or it DOESN’T happen. I’m an instagram girl living in an instagram world here, I don’t have time to be ignored on social media.

4. Pretend you like me. JUST PRETEND! I get that this is a hookup but if you can’t tolerate me for one night then how are we ever going to bang again? I can’t commit to a relationship where we bang less than twice so act like this is fun for you. It is quite literally the very least that you can do.

5. Don’t act surprised when I say no. You bought some beer and wings so it’s not even like you made some grand romantic gesture. Sorry that you’re out 8 bucks, but you were probably going to spend it on protein powder anyway. I don’t owe you shit, I don’t even know you.

Guys that can’t meet these standards are the reason I have rage. I know they are impossibly high and all, but maybe this list should have been called “reasons you aren’t getting laid”.

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