The Hand Job Scale

In 2021 the pandemic was wearing on me and my friend group. My friends kept moving away despite my post card harassment. I didn’t die in stupid Colomiba and I was back in stupid America. We had a party with the worst stripper ever. Times were tough and we were fucking bored.

Thus, we began looking for America shit to do and since we live in Las Vegas we settled on visiting strip clubs and other shady establishments. Can you get murdered at a bunny ranch? (The answer is no, apparently.) It was during this time that Sean stumbled into Little Darlings on a Wednesday night or something. I wasn’t with him this time because I was busy trying to get killed by the vaccine. (It didn’t kill me, I think it made me invincible which is annoying. But first it made me sick.)

It was a slow night at Little Darlings and a stripper began chatting him up. At some point she offered him her menu. Did you know they make menus for sex stuff? I didn’t either, but that’s fucking awesome. I should make a friendship menu. Anyway, on the menu among other things was “Hand Job”. The price for the hand job was listed at $1,200 although I feel that this could have been negotiable. A five minute hand job couldn’t possibly cost as much as a 30 minute hand job, right? What about a disinterested hand job? I’d charge less if I didn’t have to pretend I liked it.

Anyway, he declined the offer. After all, he could give himself a hand job for free. Additionally, the bunny ranch menu offered sex for $1,200. The only difference is that’s in Pahrump and the girl is less attractive. But still. I wish I could have met this girl and got some training from her. I would have followed her around and offered a discount hand job for only $600. You could just stare at the other chick the whole time, what do I care? This is why I believe I should start my own discount handjob business. I could even get a business card in the shape of a hand and I’d be able to afford a house in no time.

Of course the news spread quickly that the going price for a hand job in Las Vegas is $1,200. And now when we speak of the cost of items we use the hand job scale to measure how expensive it is. Thus, the Hand Job Scale was born and we now explain it to anyone who has the misfortune of speaking to us at a hockey game.

Season tickets to the Golden Knights? That’s 5 Hand Jobs.

Of course, we haven’t been back to the Spearmint Rhino to check the cost of a fancy handjob from an even more attractive girl. Not that we could afford it anyway. I can’t wait to see all the great hand job traffic I start to receive from this post. Oh, and I think I should send a complaint to the White House about the cost of handjobs. It’s way too high.

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