How I Die

Tag: I’m Funny

This is why I can’t send Christmas cards

Merry Christmas to everyone who gets my sense of humor!

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Modern Savage

2021.12.12

Intense Possum Drama

Every painting ever painted is actually of a possum. Every place you look there is INTENSE POSSUM DRAMA! You just have to have faith and he will appear all around you.

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Modern Savage

2021.10.01

She didn’t know who these guys are

You don’t have to give up your freedom to be in a relationship when you can be in an abusive relationship with yourself.

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Modern Savage

2021.07.21

Mystifying Trash Cat

Praise b to the paws of righteousness. Go with procyon. And please clean my bathroom.

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Modern Savage

2020.10.21

Not threatening to haunt you

Imagine sending me a postcard threatening to drop a house on me like I wouldn’t LOVE that? First of all: free house! Also, dead.

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Modern Savage

2020.10.21

Stop procreating, do cocaine, be nocturnal

The possum is my shepperd, I shall not want. He maketh me lie down in trash.

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Modern Savage

2020.10.09

A Possum Apostle

On the back it just says “Vote Republican”

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Modern Savage

2020.10.05
me out of the office

Funny out of office messages to steal

Acting like an asshole on the holidays is kind of my thing and I’m out of the office.

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Modern Savage Viva La Crap!

2019.11.28
Planning my Funeral or Birthday

Planning my Funeral on the way to Cuba

As you all know, this whole Cuba trip is really just an unnecessarily elaborate suicide attempt. Should I return dead, this party is going to be a SWEET FUCKIN’ WAKE!

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Ways to Die

2019.11.17

Finding a roommate or getting murdered on Craigslist

Everyone said that finding a roommate on Craigslist was the best way to get murdered, but it’s harder to get someone to murder you than you’d think.

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Ways to Die

2015.08.07

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