This is why I can’t send Christmas cards
Merry Christmas to everyone who gets my sense of humor!
Intense Possum Drama
Every painting ever painted is actually of a possum. Every place you look there is INTENSE POSSUM DRAMA! You just have to have faith and he will appear all around you.
She didn’t know who these guys are
You don’t have to give up your freedom to be in a relationship when you can be in an abusive relationship with yourself.
Mystifying Trash Cat
Praise b to the paws of righteousness. Go with procyon. And please clean my bathroom.
Not threatening to haunt you
Imagine sending me a postcard threatening to drop a house on me like I wouldn’t LOVE that? First of all: free house! Also, dead.
Stop procreating, do cocaine, be nocturnal
The possum is my shepperd, I shall not want. He maketh me lie down in trash.
A Possum Apostle
On the back it just says “Vote Republican”
Funny out of office messages to steal
Acting like an asshole on the holidays is kind of my thing and I’m out of the office.
Planning my Funeral on the way to Cuba
As you all know, this whole Cuba trip is really just an unnecessarily elaborate suicide attempt. Should I return dead, this party is going to be a SWEET FUCKIN’ WAKE!
Finding a roommate or getting murdered on Craigslist
Everyone said that finding a roommate on Craigslist was the best way to get murdered, but it’s harder to get someone to murder you than you’d think.