Is my Harry Potter Wand a Weapon?
Can I bring my sick magic on this airplane or not?!
Your Appendix
Your appendix is inside your body right now just working up the courage to murder you.
The Math of Dating
Welcome to dating. Sorry.
Eat a Taco
Stop being an idiot and eat a taco.
The Hand Job Scale
The cost of hand jobs is way too high.
Pepsi is Never OK.
I had a dream that if you misbehaved on the boat they would handcuff you below deck and let you drown in soda. So I was like “sign me up, that sounds fine.” But then the room started filling up with PEPSI and I was outraged. Can you imagine? What a fucking nightmare.
On my Way to Steal Yo Island
I know this is technically “Spanish Three Wise Men” but I’m getting a strong “Sexy Colonialism” vibe here.
Sleep with Tiny Creatures
Fight colonialism by being unsuccessful and taking naps with tiny creatures. Then move to Puerto Rico. They have a castle.
Castillo San Felipe del Morro
Good thing I went to college so I know all about Juan Ponce de León who founded Puerto Rico. Surprisingly, that did not come in handy. I did learn that a moat is very unnecessary if you put the castle at the top of a big ass hill. At least, that works if your enemy is out of shape like myself.
She gave everyone COVID
I heard you tried to kill your whole family