6 espressos per day

Here I took heroic measures in order to NOT get a job and some retard goes and hires me as if I am not a lazy goon warped by pessimism and ill will towards man or something. I know, I am totally fucking insulted.

I was NOT in fact hired by the department of homeland security to be an armed undercover NASA call girl spy even though I was TOTALLY QUALIFIED and obviously a genius. I’m pretty sure they passed up a wonderful opportunity to hire me because apparently once I registered as a democrat according to lexus nexus.

HOLY FUCK I DON’T REMEMBER EVER REGISTERING TO VOTE.

Enter: evil corporation comprised of overly friendly coffee Nazis. Pretty much I joined a cult. Learning about corporate responsibility with them is compromising my ME time also known as the time between 4am and noon when I previously enjoyed sleeping.

I will probably complete my first course of brainwashing soon and have my employee number tattooed on my arm like a victim of the holocaust and shit but since I am brainwashed I will have Stockholm syndrome and love working there.

I will probably write acknowledgment cards for coworkers and be overly perky and friendly and make people uncomfortable with my incessant coffee Nazism all the time. Different coffee totally tastes the same to me which apparently I have not developed my palate classy enough or whatever. But I do have a neat coffee sticker book because the CEO is cracked on caffeine probably constantly and develops sophisticated training plans complete with kindergarten style learning tools.

Oh. And they are forcing me to do stuff just because the health department says so. WTF? This is Starlet signing out from fucking Auschwitz…

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