bow to your queen

Tax returns are the stuff dreams are made of like instead of going to the dentist I could run away to Mexico!

I fucking love Mexico its the best place on Earth as if that entire country exists only worship me. I am a fucking rockstar there when I am all like I will give you eleven million pesos and shit and the Mexicans are like OKAY YOU RICH AMERICAN {how you say? oh yes} PIG! Meanwhile with conversion rate and Saturn in retrograde or whatever and the wind changed directions 4 clicks north and everything and I just spent like 13 American cents.

Once in Mexico I bought this statue thing that was some religious symbol tribute to the Mayan god of sun-worship or something I don’t know I zone out when people speak broken English to me and I don’t care anyway because your religion is probably stupid just like mine and I’ll probably hang the shit in my bathroom which is COMPLETELY respectful like when you paint a mural of Jesus on a wall by a dumpster.

I paid a $9.55 for this and thats a lot of money I probably could have bought the entire Mexican government and made myself queen for that price. I would have built my own little Las Vegas in the capital and changed the name of the entire country to Starletland and put up one of those HOLLYWOOD signs in Guadalajara and lifted the ban on the export of shrunken human heads and brought back bell bottoms by executive order! Probably I would start a war with another random country and many of my people would die while I squabbled with their queen about who was more cute and which one of us had a better castle.


I totally got hosed by this Mexican swap meet guy who sold out the religion of his ancestors. Wow a scam artist with no soul or respect for religion I’ve totally met my match. I should have challenged him to a duel or fight to the death or sacrificed his bloody carcass to the mexican sun-god on that pyramid temple thinggy…

or whatever you are supposed to do in mexico when your honor is threatened and your reputation for being morally corrupt is tarnished and you miss out on being the FUCKING QUEEN OF MEXICO.

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