tipping in las vegas

ok so last night these fucking assholes ran up a $60 tab on their credit card and left me no tip. And I am not even joking because those cunts were having me make them 8 drinks at a time and they were all completely retarded drinks that take forever too like a HURRICAINE. Those things taste like shit but more importantly they are annoying to make.

That reminded me about my dissertation I had to write about why you should tip me. This summer waiter was a lot more nicer about it and received some 500 responses about how tipping is bogus or whatever. Yeah bogus my ass.

DEAR PATRONS: You know how you have that one friend or whatever that will never EVER send food back in a resturant because she is afraid the cook will spit in it and you think she is all silly and ridiculous. she is probably the smartest person you know. Not only does the cook spit on your food probably any employee back there will after the waitress tells them about what a dick you are. And probably they will drop it on the floor or in the sink or something too.

and anything else nasty we can think of right then.

And also by the way I have been on handwashing strike for the last 3 months because I hate you all so so so much.

I MAKE 5 DOLLARS AN HOUR. That balances out to about $80 bucks a week, homie which does not even cover the gas or daycare it costs me to work there. You should always tip unstable disgruntled people because I am usually trying to think of a chemical to put into your drink so you are sterilized or hoping you get AIDS. I’m not above sabatoge either. Actually since I make $5 AN HOUR I am really not above anything.

I will tell your girlfriend I saw you make out with another girl last night. I am not really paid enough to give a shit about your drink or cleanliness or quality and such unless you give me a reason to. So logically I also do not care about your welfare or personal life or anything else either. I probably don’t even care if you get shot when you walk out of my bar because I told that big guy you called him the N word. Probably…. What am I saying? NOPE I DON’T CARE AT ALL BECAUSE I CONSIDER IT KARMA FOR NOT TIPPING!

weeee!

Heres the thing jerkoff, there is an upside. If you are nice to me I will pretty much give you ANYTHING YOU ASK FOR. I will probably even give you a free drink. or five. But go ahead and not tip me and then ask me for a glass of ice water. We don’t even HAVE ice water so buy a bottle or go drink out of the toilet for all I care. I am prepared to charge you for everything now. And probably when you give me the $2 for the water I will just put it in my tip jar because I drink that shit for free all night long and had you tipped me I would have given it to you for free.

Also do not tell me I am beautiful and ask me out on dates and shit and then not tip me and also do not tell me thanks for all my help or anything. If you want to say anything nice to me just SHOW me how awesome I am with CASH.

Oh yeah and you know when you do that shit and don’t tip me and then get home and realize that your cell phone is missing and or something? And maybe you left it at the bar? So you call me and tell me where you were sitting and that you lost your phone and did I find it? YES. YES I DID FIND IT. Then I sold it on fucking ebay. All because you couldn’t spare a DOLLAR.

Don’t think of it as a gratuity. THINK OF IT AS A BRIBE.

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