all fiction all the time

Okay everyone congratulate me now because I won an award for Best Fictional Blog by a Hollywood Writer. I was completely unaware that my life is fictional so I guess that makes me completely insane. AWESOME. If this is my imagined life then holy shit DO NOT wake me up because in reality I probably have to kill puppies or work in a cubicle or something else really horrible.

My boss like put up these signs yesterday that remind us that evidently we are now a “smoke free facility” which would be fine with me except for the whole part where we aren’t allowed to smoke. WHY WAS I NOT INFORMED. I cannot bear to work there unless I am permitted to commit some form of passive suicide on a somewhat constant basis. Fuck I guess I need to learn to be a cutter now or something.

I have an interview at the PURE this week. They are legendary so basically I am only claiming my BIRTHRIGHT to work there. I should probably write my URL on a napkin and slip it into the interviewers hand and pretend that it is a crisp $100 and then he will go home and read my blog and realize that not hiring me was the biggest mistake of his career because not only am I the leader of the rebellion I am also the queen of Las Vegas and when I am famous I will never get VIP bottle service at the PURE because of my revengeful principals and intolerance of job interviewers.

All the VIP hosts will HATE him for this because I am a mad tipper, obviously. Psychos are typically famous as well as universally cool so someday I will fucking own the pure anyway and when I do that guy is SO fired.

My blog is plenty of documentation that I am a good employee because it clearly illustrates that I have been working at a fictional job for the last year. also i can probably read.

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