What’s Wrong with Hilary?


I’m committing suicide by being reckless and irresponsible.

I’m not even convinced that I am still alive. In fact being dead and currently in hell would explain a lot of things. If I die right now and my life flashes before my eyes I’d have to sit through all my boring work meetings again. It’s unbearable.

In 2015 I decided to try and get murdered. I don’t want to kill myself die I just want to end my boring life die. I’m only passively suicidal so please relax. It’s much harder to get killed than you think!

So I’m trashing my life to avoid boredom and death is my only contingency plan. A classic win/win.

Ways to Kill Me that have not worked

2019.12 Hiking a Mountain in the Rainforest at Guantánamo
2019.12 Go to Cuba
2019.07 Going on a first date where it’s easy to murder me
2015.08 Find a Roommate on Craigslist
2011.01 Go to Bolivia
2009.09 Miller Light & Excedrine PM Healthcare Plan
2008.09 Literally Being a Vegan
2006.10 Felony Traffic Stop @ Gunpoint
2006.08 Saturday Night Blackjack & Cocaine