What’s Wrong with Hilary?


I’m committing suicide by being reckless and irresponsible.

I’m not even convinced that I am still alive. In fact being dead and currently in hell would explain a lot of things. If I die right now and my life flashes before my eyes I’d have to sit through all my boring work meetings again. It’s unbearable.

In 2015 I decided to try and get murdered. I don’t want to kill myself die I just want to end my boring life die. I’m only passively suicidal so please relax. It’s much harder to get killed than you think!

So I’m trashing my life to avoid boredom and death is my only contingency plan. A classic win/win.

Ways to Kill Me that have not worked

2022.01 Being in Florida for Any Reason at all
2021.12 Get COVID on a Pandemic Cruise
2021.05 Researching the Cost of Hand Jobs in Las Vegas Strip Clubs in the Summer
2021.03 Parasailing in Colombia
2021.01 Getting Fat in Colombia
2020.11 Spending COVID in Mexico
2019.12 Hiking a Mountain in the Rainforest at Guantánamo
2019.12 Go to Cuba
2019.07 Going on a first date where it’s easy to murder me
2015.08 Find a Roommate on Craigslist
2011.01 Get Caught in Bolivian Protest
2009.09 Miller Light & Excedrine PM Healthcare Plan
2008.09 Literally Being a Vegan
2006.12 Attend a Cutter Party
2006.10 Felony Traffic Stop @ Gunpoint in Las Vegas
2006.08 Saturday Night Blackjack & Cocaine