Can I bring my sick magic on this airplane or not?!
Is my Harry Potter Wand a Weapon?
Your Appendix
Your appendix is inside your body right now just working up the courage to murder you.
The Math of Dating
Welcome to dating. Sorry.
Eat a Taco
Stop being an idiot and eat a taco.
The Hand Job Scale
The cost of hand jobs is way too high.
Pepsi is Never OK.
I had a dream that if you misbehaved on the boat they would handcuff you below deck and let you drown in soda. So I was like “sign me up, that sounds fine.” But then the room started filling up with PEPSI and I was outraged. Can you imagine? What a fucking nightmare.
On my Way to Steal Yo Island
I know this is technically “Spanish Three Wise Men” but I’m getting a strong “Sexy Colonialism” vibe here.
Sleep with Tiny Creatures
Fight colonialism by being unsuccessful and taking naps with tiny creatures. Then move to Puerto Rico. They have a castle.
Castillo San Felipe del Morro
Good thing I went to college so I know all about Juan Ponce de León who founded Puerto Rico. Surprisingly, that did not come in handy. I did learn that a moat is very unnecessary if you put the castle at the top of a big ass hill. At least, that works if your enemy is out of shape like myself.
She gave everyone COVID
I heard you tried to kill your whole family