I told my boss I’m moving to Mexico and he seemed pretty cool with it even though it’s probably the worst idea ever. I told him the only aspiration I have left in life is to do dumb shit so I’m surprised no one has staged an intervention yet. Clearly this is the right choice for me in that it is the wrongest thing I could do. It’s too late to start making good decisions now.

I live in Las Vegas and I have to find an immigration lawyer to get me into Mexico. It’s going to be a challenge since I don’t actually have a reason to go. Now I have to find a way to diplomatically inform Mexico that I just want to go drink tequila on the beach and live my best life until I get eaten by a shark.

Trump is going to deport all the DACA kids so I guess it’ll just be me and all the other millennials who grew up in the American Southwest just fucking up up all the beaches in Mexico. It’s not even a foreign country, it’s basically Las Vegas except with a beach and annoying currency.

While I was in Cuba I met some guys at a nightclub and when they spoke to me I understood their Spanish. Suspicious. Then they told me they were from Mexico and they grew up like 2 hours from the Texas border. I probably went to elementary school with these guys in San Antonio. I told them I didn’t go to Cuba to meet Mexicans, I have Mexicans at home. There are actual foreign men to pursue right now and communicating with men is overrated in all countries.

Exhibit #2 that Mexico is not foreign: I do not speak Spanish. Have I been exposed to Spanish for literally my entire life? Yes. Have I been taking Spanish classes since elementary school? Absolutely. Am I still a fucking idiot? You bet, baby! But can I get by just fine in Mexico? Yes I can, that’s why I never learned it. Don’t worry though, I have flash cards now so I’m sure I’ll learn it this time.

Now that I’ve made the case that Mexico is not very foreign I think I may have to pick a new country. I mean, if I want to go full bad decision I should probably move to Jordan or Albania. I mean if I really want to die I should probably be a little more extreme.

Happy Birthday to me.