Acting like an asshole on the holidays is kind of my thing. And sometimes I’m out of the office. So here are some of my out of the office messages. These are so professional.

Easter

Our office will be closed Friday, March 30. We simply must take April Fools Easter off otherwise we will prank each other to death! Don’t worry, we would resurrect but it would still be super awkward and we’d like to avoid that kind of paperwork.

Anyway, by the time you read this I will be sipping Easter basket cocktails… And that’s what’s really important here. I’ve already begun carb loading for the egg hunt.

If you need immediate attention you can attempt to contact [another] If he answers you will know it’s because he’s searching for all the Easter Tide Pods I hid around here. Our office is fun. Happy Easter!

4th of July

Our office is closed on Wednesday, July 4, 2018 to observe Independence. I will be enjoying a traditional American tequila-mimosa breakfast. Then I will contemplate freedom and why I’m always using it to do stuff I don’t want to do. Like grocery shop, for example. I may also participate in a SUPER American sport like baseball or competitive hotdog eating. (I’m actually sort of a champion when it comes to eating for sport. Or eating for any reason… I’m like, so fun at barbecues.)

If I don’t fall victim to a stray firework or get hospitalized for eating too many hotdogs, then hangover me will totally be back in the office on July 5! Regular me will be back all recovered and ready to drink for America again on Friday night. Like a patriot!

If your email is urgent, you can try contacting [someone else]. If he is not too busy petting dogs who are afraid of fireworks, he may get back to you. But the dogs come first, obviously. Happy 4th of July!

Thanksgiving

[company] will be closed starting Wednesday afternoon so I can begin arguing with my family and day drinking! Just kidding, I’ll be deep frying pie and avoiding my family. This is a HOLIDAY after all.

… but the day drinking part is definitely true.

I will return on Monday morning, November 27. The good news is that I’m going to gain 5lbs this weekend so there will be even more of me here to react to your email on Monday!

If your matter is urgent you can try and contact [another person] or hang out at Total Wine until one of us shows up. Happy Thanksgiving!

Hello, thanks for your email. Thanksgiving Eve is reserved for day drinking and I take tradition very seriously, so I will be out of the office starting Wednesday afternoon. Technically, we started drinking at the office yesterday afternoon so I’m off to a very good start bringing shame to my family this year. But I’m very excited to read your email on Monday, November 26.

I’m secure enough to admit that I’m going to get like, REALLY fat over the weekend. Then, I’ll get into the Christmas spirit by cutting someone during a shopping brawl on Black Friday. LOL just kidding, I don’t like getting tased at shopping malls so I’m probably just going to stay home and continue eating and drinking. You know, stick to my natural god given talents.

Unfortunately, all of this holiday binge eating/ drinking doesn’t exactly leave time for me to respond to your email. So please go enjoy your holiday and I will respond to your email when I return. Happy Thanksgiving!

We have left the office to prepare our arguments for this year’s debates. Errr… I mean Thanksgiving. Also, we may or may not be participating in the annual fist fight at the mall on Friday. No matter what the festivity, I will be day drinking! In fact, I’m doing it now. What can I say? I’m gifted.

We will all be fat and back in the office on Monday, December and I will respond to your email in a fatly manner. Happy Thanksgiving and have a beautiful holiday everyone!

Hello, thanks for your email. Thanksgiving is a drinking holiday and I take tradition very seriously, so I will be out of the office starting Wednesday afternoon. I’ll still check my emails but it will annoy my family and I need them in a good mood before we commence the debate eating together lovingly.

If this is not urgent, thank you for patiently awaiting my response on December 2 when I return to the office. If this is indeed an emergency please text me to get my attention and I will be happy to assist in any way I can.

Christmas

Hello and Bah Humbug,

I will be out of the office until January 3 because I’m being visited by 3 ghosts. AGAIN!

I will also be reluctantly engaging in centuries-old traditions with my family such as trying to find a parking space at the mall, untangling Christmas lights and being annoyed by joyful and triumphant music. It is the most wonderful time of year so it must be exhausting and filled with unpleasant tasks, obviously.

If your matter is not related to stealing Christmas you probably won’t hear back from me until I return. But don’t expect me to be reformed or have a better attitude or anything like that.

If your matter is urgent please contact [name of another employee who is also not here]. He’s already full of the Christmas Spirit and stuff.

It’s the most wonderful time of year again! Isn’t it exhausting??? Anyway, I’m celebrating Christmas to maximize my stress and anxiety so I’m not at work right now.

Hopefully the ghost of Christmas future will be done with me by the time I return on Wednesday, December 26. Then I can respond to your email with a brand new optimistic outlook on life! More likely I’ll respond with my same grumpy outlook, but either way I’m checking my email.

I would like to wish you a Merry Christmas, but I’m going to be real and wish you a marginally less stressful and disappointing holiday. And don’t let those hangovers get you down! I’ll talk to you soon.

New Year

New Year, new me!

Just kidding! Same me, no improvements.

We at [company] have collectively decided to dedicate the remainder of 2018 to eating pie and binge watching TV in bed. We will be doing that until January 2. Not together, that would be weird.

If you received this and it’s still December 28, then we are playing video games in our office because we like to party. You are welcome to join us as long as you bring Barack Obama. I have some words for him.

I’ll respond to your email when I return on Wednesday, January 2. Until then, have a Happy New Year!