What is Wrong with my Online Dating Profile?

So you set up an online dating profile and its not raining vagina? Do you wonder what you’re doing wrong on your dating profile? Are you super hot? Do you have a job, your own car and an amazing penis? Why aren’t women responding to your super bomb dating profile?

Maybe all the women on this dating site are lesbians. But have you considered the possibility that you’re just a huge idiot? What message are you actually sending to women in your profile? Don’t worry, I’m here to point out your mistakes. Like a total woman. It’s almost like you have a girlfriend already!

Work Hard, Play Hard

90% of all guy dating profiles include this phrase. Is there a “No Fear” t-shirt resurrection that I am unaware of? It smells like 1997 and straight up douche in here. You might as well just announce that you’re probably a huge tool.

Relationship Conclusion: Being in a relationship with you will probably include a lot of high fives and you ditching me for your friends. You will give me the dumbest babies ever.

Want to know something, just ask

Look, if you’re too lazy to tell me about yourself, don’t put that shit on me. Give me a reason it is worth my time to learn anything about you. If you can’t even figure out something interesting to say about yourself why the fuck should I be interested? I’m not.

Relationship Conclusion: I’m going to have to do all the work. You’re high maintenance, dude. I’d like to be the chick in this relationship… so it’s not going to work out.

Team Spirit

Okay, I get it that you love Payton Manning in a totally heterosexual way. Whatever, real cool. Have you ever even met a girl in person? I feel like the answer is no when 5 out of your 6 profile photos are of your sports team. Why do you think the Raiders logo is going to drop my panties? Unless you are actually on that football team then your plan sucks.

Relationship Conclusion: You’re so obsessed with your game that you’re already putting it above my need to be sexually attracted to you. You will make a great stalker when we break up.

Your list of Requirements

Maybe I do meet your requirements, but now I am just annoyed that you’re dictating how I need to live my life in order to be good enough for you. You must be a Greek God but I can’t tell because in your photos you look like any other normal dude. Being a picky little bitch is not attractive and normal dudes can’t get away with that. Hint: You’re probably a normal dude.

Relationship Conclusion: You’ll probably spend most of your time trashing my self esteem. I get it, I’m not good enough for you. I’ve never even met you and you’re already bringing up my daddy issues.

Sex Jokes

This is a real quote from a real persons profile that I left swiped:

“I don’t make love, I fuck.”

If you write shit like this on your dating profile then you’re the reason everyone hates online dating sites. By the way dickface, making your username “love2lick” is also a great way to make me wish I could left swipe you harder. It’s like you’re trying not to be attractive.

Relationship Conclusion: You are a classless tool and I could never let you meet my parents. You’ve probably never given your partner an orgasm, you’ll probably never give me one… and you don’t give a fuck because you already found the love of your life and its you.

You Love Lame Shit

Oh man, you love your family? Wow we have so much in common, you’re a real character. Telling me you love your family/kids/friends/traveling/fitness/god is basically like telling me to fuck off for wanting to know things about you. I hope you’re insanely hot because otherwise you should at least make up an interesting hobby or say something witty.

Relationship Conclusion: Being with you is so boring that I’m already depressed about it. We don’t need passion in this relationship, we have the missionary position and your family.

You’re Lecturing

You rant about how you’re not my sugar daddy. Ok so you’re broken; I like that. This is why we’re on this dysfunctional dating site to begin with. But I don’t need someone else giving me shit in my life, and you’re coming off like a real asshole. Sorry you don’t like your ex. Maybe try getting over her.

Relationship Conclusion: We have a lot of domestic disputes and police in our future. I will hate you so much for not trusting me that I’ll give you more baggage to take out on your next girlfriend because FUCK YOU!

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