As you all know, this whole Cuba trip is really just an unnecessarily elaborate suicide attempt. Should I return dead, this party is going to be a SWEET FUCKIN’ WAKE!
Once I think it through, burning down my life doesn’t seem like the WORST idea I’ve ever had.
If this dryer explodes, I’m going to throw myself into the ocean. If the plug reaches far enough, I’ll take it with me.
There wasn’t enough tequila to fall in love and there wasn’t enough room in the car to have sex. How were we even supposed to get to know each other?
If life’s so great how come we spend most of it being hungry?
I really want to draw someone’s dick on the moon and immortalize it forever. Just need to find a dick that I like enough before I join NASA.
Why aren’t women responding to your super bomb dating profile?
Everyone said that finding a roommate on Craigslist was the best way to get murdered, but it’s harder to get someone to murder you than you’d think.
I spend a lot of time on Twitter while he is not texting me back. So basically, I spend a really lot of time on Twitter learning how to suck more at dating.
I’m going to need an entirely new dating strategy.