When your Greatest Accomplishment is a made-up Hoax
When they asked “who said ‘Houston, we have a problem’?” everyone said Tom Hanks. That’s how I know the moon landing was fake.
There’s No Space Like Home
People once trusted the U.S. government so much that we let them strap people to intercontinental ballistic missiles and blast them into space. Now no one believes in masks. Pretty amazing what we’ve managed to accomplish in just a few short decades.
What Florida Feels Like
That awkward moment when you make a new friend and then they ruin the relationship by saying “Let’s Go Brandon.” That’s what the entire state of Florida feels like. Looks nicer from space.
This is why I can’t send Christmas cards
Merry Christmas to everyone who gets my sense of humor!
She’s a Witch!
The CDC says that fully vaccinated people can now be feared by the townspeople and disappear into the woods never to be seen again. Just do not insult the bats.
Dinosaurs are Birds
Dinosaurs are Birds. Birds aren’t Real.
Intense Possum Drama
Every painting ever painted is actually of a possum. Every place you look there is INTENSE POSSUM DRAMA! You just have to have faith and he will appear all around you.
Where is Erica?
When another friend moves away and you need to express your feelings.
They’re here to fondle you
You should let them.
I heard your cat died
“During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of paw prints, it was then that I carried you.”