death by doritos

Actually I’m fluent in many exotic languages including crackhead and gangstA but the particular dialect of psychosis or whatever spoken by my boss is pretty much unlearnable unless you are developmentally disabled or snort vicodin too much or something. Thats why I’m still not sure why he fired me although I was able to appreciate the part where he said YOU’RE FIRED on my voicemail.

Thats right I said voicemail. Thanks Donald you are so fucking inspired that I am going to hit 9 for save right before I pierce my brain with this phone.

I don’t steal and smoke crack and show up to work late and whatnot. HOLY FUCK WHAT WAS I THINKING?! Obviously I am not management material without these important qualities.

I have so much more time now to pursue my many useful and important hobbies like hanging out in casinos and drinking with my fellow unemployed Las Vegans because
here is a secret all people in casinos are unemployed because they are there at like 11am on a Tuesday and if they put Job Connect inside the El Cortez probably more people would have jobs.

Oh yeah and also I have been plotting my spectacular revenge.

If I am a good employee and then you fire me I will do the following things formally complain to the labor commissioner and demand back wages, write a letter to my congressman, make a little anonymous tip to the FBI Tax Fraud investigation unit AND sheriffs office AND health department.

If I wasn’t such and outstanding high quality human being I would totally throw a brick through certain bar windows that say YOU CAN’T FIRE ME BECAUSE I FUCKING QUIT!!! But thats illegal so probably I will get someone else to do that for me.

Already I have put countless tiresome hours into my mission to bankrupt a local small business and probably I could have another job by now if I had only put down the bag of doritos and the beer and been forgiving like Jesus. But job hunting is gay and demoralizing and besides this gives me more time to work on ruining a mans life which is INCREDIBLY something I am truly passionate about and totally suited for.

All of these things I can do while smoking. Also my unemployment check will be more money than my paycheck was.

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