here is why I don’t write christmas form letters.

Dear family,

I hope everyone has had a great year in 2006. We didn’t. So send money. Because I know you bitches all make over 200k per year yet refused to send me to college when I was 18 or lend me the $100 that one time in June when I was starving. WAY TO TEACH ME A LESSON GUYS YOU ARE SO FUNNY!

This year I was fortunate enough to snort my first line of coke. But don’t worry mom, it was only that one time and he said it was “really clean shit.” Besides it was free and I was only being polite like you taught me. You should be proud.

Also due to all the culture here in Las Vegas we had to raise the family cigarette budget so if you are looking for gifts I smoke Marlboros. We are total white trash.

The government forced us to send the kid to school this year. Hopefully she will find a husband soon because all those other parents drive Beamers and go to parent teacher night and PTA meetings and volunteer for the school and stuff and I do none of those things. Also my Honda was repossessed. I got another shittier car and it only burns a quart of oil a week! I hope we don’t have to pay for that wedding…

Also I am proud to say that I was held up at gunpoint only once this year and didn’t even get shot! I made it almost a year in Vegas without getting shot, seriously you should be proud. I just found out that I am highly regarded in prison, also so I am kind of like a super hero. I know lots of people who would employ me as a drug runner so I am not completely out of options if the superhero thing doesn’t work out, either.

Overall I would say my career is on the fast track to prostitution. But don’t worry, I will try to be a classy prostitute. Like one of the ones you see on CSI that charge $2500 for a night or whatever. I’m sure there will be some networking involved, I’ll figure it out. There is probably a job fair I can go to for that. Plus I know ebonics now from my current job so I think that counts as a second language which is maybe helpful in the sex industry, not sure.

So there is the update family. Don’t worry about us. WE AREN’T HOMELESS YET!!! Oh yeah, Merry Christmas and I hope you all enjoy opening your presents this year. Don’t send us any, we’ll probably be working anyway but we will totally think about you when we have dinner at the soup kitchen! Cheers!

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