So tonight on my way home I noticed that they had closed my entrance to the freeway. They do this three times a week. And I thought to myself GEE, I WILL PROBABLY GET PULLED OVER NOW SINCE I JUST TURNED TO CRIME TODAY AND I HAVE TO TAKE AN ALTERNATE ROUTE HOME.
That part about turning to crime is totally true, too because I am using my neighbors wireless connection since mine went out. What the fuck else are neighbors for?
So like TWO BLOCKS from my house I see lights. Also I just got done watching this show where some chick was pulled over by fake cops in some remote area and mercilessly raped for hours and shit. KAY. So I am by an abandoned parking lot. I try to get to the adult video store which is WAY BRIGHTER.
And then the cop gets behind me and gets on his intercom and pulls out his GUN and is all OPEN THE DOOR AND PUT YOUR HANDS OUTSIDE!!!
I am like holy shit I didn’t know internet crime was so serious.
Also its 3 in the morning and I am pretty much wondering if Discover card has put a hit out on me for not paying my bill or something.
So I put my hands up and stand there and he is all yelling for me to do stuff and I am practically about to pee myself. I mean what the fuck I weigh like 100 lbs I THINK he could take me without a gun. I am just concerned because he is not yelling his directions loudly enough and I am well aware that cops in Las Vegas are totally willing to shoot you during a routine traffic stop.
So he handcuffs me. So I am all in loser pose while he searches my car. In front of the adult video superstore. Yeah. All these people passing on the road and also everyone at the bus stop thinks I am some kind of dildo thief kingpin or whatever.
Oh yeah, also he frisked me. I swear to god I am not making this shit up. And suddenly I am all sweaty and like WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO? In my head though not out loud because you do not get mouthy with some Las Vegas cops harassing you. He probably shot someone more important than me before he even had breakfast this morning. Probably he shoots mouthy girls in handcuffs 3 times a day and frames them for terrorism.
The best part is that he made me do a sobriety test like YEAH THATS GOING TO EXPLAIN WHY I AM A DILDO THIEF KINGPIN/ INTERNET CRIME NINJA.
COP: What took you so long to pull over?
MY BRAIN: You mean the half block I drove before I was forced to stop in the middle lane?
ME: I was looking for a good place to pull over.
COP: You are supposed to pull over in the road thats what the lights are for you just block traffic.
MY BRAIN: Really because I seem to remember in traffic school they said find a SAFE PLACE to pull over. Probably why Vegas has such a traffic epidemic.
ME: Oh. Sorry.
COP: Usually when people do what you did they are trying to hide something or evade arrest.
MY BRAIN: Or maybe they are finding a safe place to pull over where they don’t have to do their sobriety test while thousands of motorists honk and point and flip them the bird for blocking traffic.
COP: Yeah don’t do that again because thats how BAD STUFF happens.
MY BRAIN: You mean the whole shooting unarmed handcuffed people in the back, THAT kinda bad stuff?
ME: Um, ok.
COP: I only pulled you over because you have no license plate. Just routine.
MY BRAIN: Really, are you new? because in Nevada they make you put the temp tags in your front windshield which I thought was ludacris for this very reason but just assumed the cops would KNOW that.
COP: You are free to go. Have a good night.
MY BRAIN: Yeah I am going to have an excellent fucking night coming down from this adrenaline rush.
ME: all right…. thanks…..
Who would have thought I would escape so easily on my first day as a criminal? I’m a fucking genius. I should really stop wasting my talent and become a rocket scientist or something.