If I return from Cuba still alive I’m gonna be so mad. And it will be my birthday. So I’ll need a party to cheer me up as I adjust to the all the capitalism and 2020 and still being alive and shit. So we will celebrate how my birthday was supposed to be January 1 but I refused to be born until the 14th. I didn’t want to be alive then either.
Anyway, my mom didn’t get to deduct me from her taxes in 1980 and she’s still pretty pissed about it. So basically, I’ve been ruining peoples lives since 1981. I’m a natural born asshole. Sorry mom.
As you all know, this whole Cuba trip is really just an unnecessarily elaborate suicide attempt. Should I return dead, this party is going to be a SWEET FUCKIN’ WAKE! Please arrive in your finest funeral attire and bring food and alcohol. I’d also like a wedding cake. Roast me. Thanks.
Comments from actual friends
I’m honestly not even fully convinced that Hilary’s actually going to Cuba. She’s been talking about this shit for the ENTIRE time I’ve known her. I could have traveled the whole world in the time she’s been convincing us that she’s going on this ONE trip. Admit it, bitch. You’re not going to Cuba. You don’t even like cigars.
So you’re faking your death is that it?
If you actually die I feel like we can make funeral strippers happen. Just to ease the healing process.
Out of Office
What kind of monster would outrage her entire family by fleeing to Cuba for Christmas? I don’t know but I’m gonna need an awesome monster name. 😜 It’s me guys, I’M THE MONSTER!!! *this is so exciting*
I know everyone says they will have “limited access to email” while they are on vacation, but this time it’s for real. It is currently 1963 in Cuba so if you need to reach me you’ll have to send a raven and/or the Red Cross to evacuate me.
Assuming you are fresh out of ravens, please get in touch with [co-worker] and he will be happy to assist. I will be back in the office readjusting to all the capitalism on Monday, January 13. Until then, I’m on a beach 🙂
Happy New Year and I’ll see you in 2020!
You can read my past Out of Office Messages here. Warning: I think I’m pretty funny.
If this vacation doesn’t kill me, it better change my life
— Viva La Crap! (@vivalacrap) August 12, 2019